Freedom Through Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes you have to just sit in it. It doesn’t always make sense or flow with your usual frame of thinking and sometimes it’s downright scary. But what I have learned is that it’s freeing.

The thought of forgiving someone who did something hurtful to you, especially if it was done repeatedly, never really sat well with me. I found the concept rooted in weakness and naïveté. But deep within it was something that my mind always eventually settled in. I would fight it and when I stopped resisting I found my solace in letting go of “what they did to me.” and focused more on “I forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Sounds cliché, right? Yeah I too was not a big fan for many years. But motherhood, divorce, and tense relationships with family members and significant others has taught me that until we let go, we will suffer unnecessarily. At the end of they day, what someone “does” to us is not what’s important. We can’t control that. What we can control is our reaction to the experience and what we reflect on after the moment has passed.

Here’s the deal, when someone does something we define as hurtful, many times, it’s a perception of the experience, not the reality of what’s actually going on. You may be ready to shut this blog down, but bear with me and let me give you an example.

Betrayal:

You relay some personal information to a friend and they provide that information to someone else after you asked that they keep it to themselves. Okay you’re probably screaming, “Aquilah of COURSE this is betrayal! I told them to keep it secret and they did just the opposite. How is that anything BUT betrayal!” Once again, bear with me and let’s journey down a different frame of thought for a second.

What if the reason you feel betrayed is not based on anything other than your ego. “SAY WHAT! You’re pinning this on me!” No. It’s not a blame situation. It’s an awareness of the truth of what’s really going on.

When a friend does something like this the thing that is “hurt” is the ego. In reality the fact that they spread some personal information may cause some adversity, depending on what it is. But did it really cause you pain in any way, outside of hurting your feelings?

Pain or Ego

We have become so pain-adverse driven that any sign of pain, whether significant or major sends us into emotional overdrive. We have to understand that pain and discomfort are our perceptions of experiences, not necessarily reality. Some people are so fearful of pain that they’ve had in the past that they function as if the pain is still there in the present.

The response of betrayal is fear based and now you’re wondering what’s going to happen now that this friend has spread your business. You’re coming up with scenarios and horrible endings to stories that have yet to be written. This release of your private information is the ultimate in breaking your trust and how dare they! Then you head down that road of pity on how terrible a friend they are and you may even throw in “Why does this always happen to me. I’m such a good friend and my friends always turn their back on me. “ In a swoop other friends, especially if you post on social media, start sympathizing with you and telling you how awesome you are and how horrible this is, so on and so on.

Change Your Perspective

Now you may be pissed and the only reason you’ve continued this far is because you’re slightly intrigued with this total madness. But I promise there’s reason behind this chaos. What if: the “betrayal” was actually an open door to freedom; you finding out that this friend cannot necessarily be trusted with certain information was your opportunity to first-hand witness an experience you may have already kind of felt was slightly off; the friend releasing this information opened the door for you to get this off your chest and out in the open. Even more significant what if, you knew this friend couldn’t hold water but you told them anyway because your story is one of “My friends are jealous of me.” Bottom line your perception of the situation is your reality of the situation and that can be one of discomfort or freedom.

This frame of thinking can be applied to any experience; parent/child, siblings, family members, marriages, significant other, or co-workers relationships. The question you have to ask yourself in the moment is “Is this happening TO me or is this just an experience?”; one that will soon pass and be made of the stuff of yesterday.

Let’s have a “reality check” moment. Yesterday can only affects us if we allow it and we have to be honest with ourselves. How in the world can something that happened yesterday actually emotionally affect us today? Yes….yes! I know. There are situations where there may be in impact. Perhaps another journey down example lane would be helpful.

Divorce:

You got a divorce and now your income is significantly cut. He/she may even be collecting money from you. Yes that does potentially affect you financially. But mentally it’s based on whether you tie discomfort or not to the situation.
Your funds are cut in half and you’re not able to live the way you used to and this person has the nerve to be able to get money from you, monthly; while they move on with their life, living it up. You have defined this as a negative and it eats away at you consistently. Your perception is this is unfair, you’ve been victimized and you want them to suffer because you’re suffering. Your ego has been hurt and you feel betrayed.

But what if this was an opportunity to reevaluate your living situation, how you manage your monies, and most of all, be free of someone who may have been terribly ill-matched for you? What if this was your chance for change that will bring about your peace?

Once again the judgment of the experience is still in your hands. Your reality is your perception of the situation and sometimes that perception is warped by past negative experiences and fear.

Moving On Is Freedom

I’ve learned that one of the best things to do, especially in moments where fear plays a significant role, is to simply let go. What do I mean? To release any need to judge the moment. Is it really necessary to define an experience as good or bad or can it just be a moment.

Our need to label, more times than not, only gets us into trouble. It’s limiting and biased and many times self-serving. We’ve defined so many things as bad and uncomfortable, then emotionally react when that may not be the truth of the situation. Some things we define as storms are in reality just moments in passing so we can get to other side of where we need to be.

A friend telling a secret is opportunity to address something that you may have been hiding when there was no need to. You reacted from fear by keeping the secret and the friend’s actions of what you perceive to be betrayal have provided you the opportunity to be brave. Brave in telling them how you feel about what they did and brave in addressing the secret with others. Your friendship may end or may move to a new level of trust based on compassion, understanding and forgiveness.

Divorce is an opportunity to move on in your relationships. Some unions are only there for a season. People change and “outgrow” one another. The experience can definitely be difficult but it doesn’t have to be defined as a negative.  People need to be truthful when this journey has come to an end and then respond to one another in a manner that’s best for the whole family. At the end of the day we want love, stability, and compassion and we have to sometimes admit that may not be with one another in a marriage.

The F Word

The most loving, compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is realize that everything that occurs is on purpose and there are lessons and opportunities in each moment. Staying in a state of compassion allows us to forgive, not only ourselves. But also those we perceive to have done something wrong to us. If we admit that we’re all just doing our best, it makes forgiveness much easier to accept.

Forgiveness doesn’t always make sense and it doesn’t have to. We just need to be ready to take a deep breath, release and let go of the need to make judgment on situations, past and present. The F word is powerful; powerful enough to set us free from the burdens of our self-inflicted suffering.

I hope you didn’t find this offensive. But instead found wisdom in these words that will allow you to set your heart free.

With Love,

Keela