Quitter!

I’m a Quitter! Now you may be asking yourselves “Why in the world would someone tie themselves to such a negative word? I don’t want to read this!” But bear with me for a moment and let’s take a little trip back in time so I can give you some history.

I was born into a family of four girls to a father who always wanted boys. so you may be able to see how that could be a bit challenging. However as a small child I was determined to prove that having sons wasn’t all THAT SPECIAL!

Now understand my father and my understanding of gender roles was quite immature at the time and no, this is not a sad story about a broken, hopeless childhood. In fact, here’s a little spoiler alert. We both completely think differently now and he’s quite tickled to be able to tell people he has FOUR girls.

Childhood

As a child, I was a tad bit rambunctious. This whole proving I was as good as boy got me into serious trouble and a lot of time outs. I was a curious child and I wanted to do all the stuff I thought boys did. I would take things apart and then attempt to put them back together. Things like, the dryer, my dad’s car radio and speakers, the VCR, the stereo. I can’t say I always put them back correctly. But it was quite an adrenal rush to pull it all apart and see all the itty bitty pieces.

My diligence did paid off. I now know how to change the oil in a car, change a flat tire, change out roof shingles, put up walls and ceilings, paint, tile. I even know how to change out pipe fittings on main sewer lines. We’ll save that last one for a story at another time. The point is that my tenacity to show my dad that I could fill the shoes of the son he didn’t have, led me to expanding my knowledge about a lot of things I’m not sure I would have initially been interested in. In the end it led me to pursue a degree in engineering.

Adulthood

Unfortunately, as I got older I wasn’t able to navigate through some of the more difficult life experiences with that Wonder Woman super hero courage. I took, what some would call a “wrong turn” in the road and started heading down the Pessimistic Path. Talk about Lions, Tigers, and Bears! Oh My!

Consequently life became full of the glass being completely DRY! I morphed into someone I’m not sure I would like to even associate with today. If someone said the sky was blue, I saw a very dark shade of grey. When someone gave me a compliment I explained it away and reminded them of all my faults. If someone encouraged me to pursue one of my talents I demoralized myself by stating how unskilled and uncreative I actually was. It was a vicious cycle down a really dim hopeless road that I saw no end to.

BUT one day I decided to make a change and cold turkey I started the journey of looking at life with a new set of glasses. I’m not going to say it was easy. However, once I became a mom that glass half empty mindset just wasn’t going to work anymore.

Motherhood

I’m the mother of an amazing daughter who has taught me unconditional love, grace, patience, forgiveness, compassion and above all, the concept of letting go. As soon as I saw her I understood miracles. To be blessed to be gifted with a little person meant to me that perhaps I was worthy and perhaps I did have purpose.
I named her Hana, which in Arabic means Peace of Mind and Happiness. My sole goal became to be the best mother that I could and to provide her with a safe, joyful environment.

Being her mom started my transformation of overhauling my mindset and lifestyle. I quit looking at life with victim shades and opted for glasses that allowed me to see the “yellow bricks” on a road I thought was headed towards Gloom Town. I quit focusing on my challenging experiences as punishment and started to see the opportunity for change and learning. I stopped complaining and blaming and owned up to the role I played in my perception of life. If I arose in the morning and got out of bed, that alone was a reason to smile and be grateful.

Freedom

In the past, I had created this grandiose story of suffering and being unworthy. I was a quitter in the worse kind of way; while all along this was never the true plot. My father wanting boys had nothing to do with his love for me. He simply wanted a boy. He NEVER said he didn’t want ME! That realization, that awakening, helped me grasp the power of thought and the internal dialogue we have with ourselves. As a result, I understood, we have the capacity to change how we perceive the experiences we have, on the fly. If we’re experiencing sadness, anger, stress, discomfort, we can decide to choose to have a different view.  Being a quitter doesn’t have to be a negative conotation. At the end of the day it’s all about the story that we tell ourselves in our heads.

Yes I AM a quitter! I quit making excuses, stepped beyond my fears, opened my heart, and started LIVING life!

With Love,

Keela